Love Can Come in Bottles, Too.
How can we be all those things?
Well, we believe that breastfeeding our babies is an incredible gift, but that sometimes it simply doesn't happen the way we planned.
We are not here to encourage or discourage any particular choice parents make on how to nourish their babies. We are here to support the ones who struggled or are struggling to breastfeed and are facing the guilt that often comes along with deciding to stop breastfeeding.
We have both experienced this personally, and have gone through all the guilt alone, so we wanted to start this tumblr to post encouragement and to answer your questions and concerns as you make this sometimes difficult and traumatic transition.
We want you to bottle-feed without fear of judgement, and without guilt. You are doing the best that you can do for your baby given your particular circumstances. Be assured that the love and care you take in making this sometimes agonizing decision shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that love can come in bottles, too.
Some of the strongest advocates in the intactivist movement are mothers who circumcised their first children. Marilyn Fayre Milos, for example. Some of the strongest advocates for gentle discipline are those who chose corporal punishment first. Some of the strongest proponents of natural birth are those who experienced an over-medicated labor or an “unnecessarian”. Many cloth diapering mothers chose cloth because their babies’ bottoms reacted badly to disposables.
Many lactivists have never fed their babies an ounce of formula, and some (certainly not all) really seem to enjoy making that fact very known. They should be proud, but sometimes comments cross the line. Formula-feeding mothers are referred to as “lazy”, “selfish”, “lame”, “stupid”, “irresponsible” and worse. I’m not pulling this from my own imagination; I am a member of many natural parenting groups and have seen all of these accusations in the last month. I am not an advocate for formula-feeding, any more than I am an advocate for cesareans. I believe that supporting breastfeeding means supporting breastfeeding. No more, and certainly no less.So, if you want to be a lactivist without pissing off us lazy, irresponsible mothers who didn’t try hard enough (ha-ha-ha-ha-ha), what else can you do?
This is a story about a woman who had something negative said to her about breastfeeding in public; however, I believe it can apply to any parenting situation!
We’ve all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you’re stunned in to silence. If you’re at all like me, afterwards you go home and think of the thousands of things you would have loved to say to the thoughtless person.
Life didn’t go as planned. I came home from the hospital feeling as though every other mother was looking at me and judging me. Those who were not yet mothers made comments that made me feel as though I were weak. Older mothers didn’t understand why I couldn’t just “deal” with his colic and move on. And mothers who were my peers who had never struggled with breastfeeding didn’t get it. I was so ashamed of having to bottle feed my son that I wouldn’t do it in public. I actually hid the box of formula so people wouldn’t see it if they visited. I have only one photo of myself giving him a bottle… I’m crying in it. During that time, I had friends who were still breastfeeding their babies who were unable to grasp the difference in our lives. One friend did not speak to me for 3 weeks and quite honestly, our relationship has never fully recovered. Other friends who had stopped breastfeeding earlier than I did welcomed me with open arms into the circle of moms with bottles. And there was one friend who stood by me, no matter how many bottles I had to feed in front of her.
Breastfeed or formula feed? Epidural or au-naturel? Organic or conventional? Vaccines or no vaccines? Re-usable or disposable diapers? Time-outs or Time-ins? Crib or Co-sleeping? School, homeschool or unschool? The questions seem so simple on the surface but most parents know, the choices, the possibilities are endless and these questions have started wars in the parenting world.
I think back to the times when I was told that this bonding would not happen as long as he fed from a bottle. I remember the comments about how nothing could compare to the bond between a child & nursing mother & I wonder why I take that phrase so personally. How two years later, those thoughts still sting me because I love my baby, too & I think we’re pretty okay together. I worried I would never experience my child needing me physically & now he finally calms as his head rests against the breasts that never fed him, & I know that bonding flows deeper than milk in all mothers & babies.
