Love Can Come in Bottles, Too.

“Judgey breastfeeders, I’m talking to you. Find something nice to say, be informed, or don’t say anything. Breastfeeding can’t afford this kind of pettiness and we can do better.”

Let’s face it, having trouble breastfeeding can be a downer. But is it also a red flag that you are at risk for postpartum depression? Yes, say researchers from the University of North Carolina whose recent study of over 2,500 new moms found that women who admit they don’t like to breastfeed–or who experience breastfeeding difficulties during the first few weeks after birth–have much higher rates of postpartum depression than moms for whom breastfeeding comes easy.

Even though I breastfed exclusively for the first six months, the miserable time I had with it makes me completely understand why someone wouldn’t want to do it. For one thing, all the mother-child bonding studies aside, the pain associated with it could easily make one resent her newborn, and thus hinder the bonding experience. While exclusive breastfeeding (and “exclusive” makes the whole practice sound so much more chic than it actually is) might not be as problematic for other women, it still requires a lot of a mom, both physically and mentally. If anything were to dissuade a new mother from breastfeeding, it’d probably be the pain and fatigue, not a hospital sample of Similac. But, you know, either way: Her body, her choice. And well-meaning consumer advocate groups should maybe focus their efforts on causes that don’t interfere with that.

If we as a society truly place a high value on nursing — if the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation that mothers breast-feed for 12 months or more (and breast-feed exclusively for six months or more) is meant for all women, not just those with the resources to withstand economic loss — then we need to support breast-feeding by putting in place laws, policies, programs and social structures that make it easier, rather than attempt to gloss over its hidden costs. Breast milk isn’t free. But it’s within our power to make it affordable for all.

Put up a poster promoting breastfeeding, though, and suddenly people complain it is only being done to make those who are artificially feeding feel guilty! Why is this? How can just another health message seem personalised and threatening? The answer might surprise you. There is certainly emotion involved but it is nothing to do with guilt. Guilt is how you feel having committed an offence; remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offence. It is an internally created feeling and can only occur if the culprit recognises they have done the wrong thing. Surely this description would only apply to the smallest number of mothers who have not breastfed? The real emotion felt by the majority of women who resort to premature weaning is regret: feeling sad about the loss or absence of something treasured or valued. Put simply, when these women see promotion of breastfeeding, it reminds them of a time when they experienced sadness. This can lead to feelings of anger, as unresolved emotions come to the surface. What they need is support and understanding of their grief, recognition of their regret. Unfortunately, what they usually get instead is reassurance about the decision to wean and assurance of their baby’s health and wellbeing despite being fed artificially. This failure to acknowledge their true feelings goes a long way to delaying their emotional recovery. Raise the issue of breastfeeding in a group of women at any life stage - those emotions will come flooding out just as fresh in the retirement village as in the new mothers’ group.

One of the main reasons breastfeeding advocates are negatively judged by the mainstream media, is due to their attack on formula feeding mothers, as part of their defense. This really angers me, because I feel that some breastfeeding mothers are aiding in the attack and judgement of my family (a family that practices extended breastfeeding) through their malicious statements directed at formula feeding mothers.

Some of the strongest advocates in the intactivist movement are mothers who circumcised their first children.  Marilyn Fayre Milos, for example.  Some of the strongest advocates for gentle discipline are those who chose corporal punishment first.  Some of the strongest proponents of natural birth are those who experienced an over-medicated labor or an “unnecessarian”.  Many cloth diapering mothers chose cloth because their babies’ bottoms reacted badly to disposables.

Many lactivists have never fed their babies an ounce of formula, and some (certainly not all) really seem to enjoy making that fact very known.  They should be proud, but sometimes comments cross the line.  Formula-feeding mothers are referred to as “lazy”, “selfish”, “lame”, “stupid”, “irresponsible” and worse.  I’m not pulling this from my own imagination; I am a member of many natural parenting groups and have seen all of these accusations in the last month.  I am not an advocate for formula-feeding, any more than I am an advocate for cesareans.  I believe that supporting breastfeeding means supporting breastfeeding.  No more, and certainly no less.

So, if you want to be a lactivist without pissing off us lazy, irresponsible mothers who didn’t try hard enough (ha-ha-ha-ha-ha), what else can you do? 

How about this? Let’s agree that breastfeeding is ideal. Let’s agree that public policies and workplaces should support it better. But let’s also acknowledge that bottle-feeding moms need encouragement too. Cruelty helps no one — not babies, not moms. Imagine if we took half the energy we spend sniping at the formula crowd and turned it, instead, toward making it easier for women who breastfeed to keep their jobs, and for women who formula-feed to keep their dignity.