Love Can Come in Bottles, Too.

How about this? Let’s agree that breastfeeding is ideal. Let’s agree that public policies and workplaces should support it better. But let’s also acknowledge that bottle-feeding moms need encouragement too. Cruelty helps no one — not babies, not moms. Imagine if we took half the energy we spend sniping at the formula crowd and turned it, instead, toward making it easier for women who breastfeed to keep their jobs, and for women who formula-feed to keep their dignity.

I say all this to let you know that if you are going through a similar experience, you are not alone. If you or a new mom you know has had or is having these kinds of thoughts or having a hard time bonding with your new baby, I sincerely urge you to ask for help. Speak up. People are there to help, I promise.

Please don’t suffer in silence.

There is no shame in admitting you need help and seeking out the necessary treatments to make you a happier, healthier woman and mother. The sooner mama gets better, the sooner everything gets better.

The title of this post is misleading. I’m not going to preach at you– chances are someone has already done that. Nor am I going to list all the health benefits of breastfeeding– I know plenty of people have done that.

Actually, I’m going to tell you why I think it’s totally fine if you don’t breastfeed. Or use cloth diapers. Or have natural childbirth. Or wear your baby. Or do any of the other things that somebody is probably telling you you should do. And why you should think the same.

What really bothers me about a lot of what I hear lately is that these people apparently think that we’re stupid. Many of them really seem to believe that just because THEY said that milksharing is not safe (in their opinion), that we shouldn’t do it.

Here’s the truth: Those of us who feed our babies donated breastmilk are not a bunch of overzealous lactivist lunatics. We are parents who want what is best for our children, and our view of what is best obviously differs from that of some people.

There is nothing I admire more than someone who has lived through tremendous difficulties and is willing to fight battles to ensure that others don’t have to go through the same thing. I know that is a hard thing to take on and that it re-opens wounds continually, but it is incredibly admirable and courageous. It helps change the world for the better. Some people can do that and others can’t and I understand that.

Whether you can do that or not, as others go about advocating for change, please remember…

You are not a failure.

You are not a failure.

You are not a failure.

Breast-feeding is hard.

It is hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.  If a magical fairy showed up at my doorstep tomorrow and said, “You never have to breast feed again and your baby will magically get your breast milk and all the nutrition, immunity and awesomeness that goes along with it.  BUT…in order for this to happen, you have to go through labor and birth again.” I would without hesitation give birth again in a heartbeat.

I don’t say this to be negative, but rather to be realistic.  I wish I’d realized just how difficult breast feeding could be before I was thrust into it.  Apparently I should’ve spent a little less time reading about birth and a little more time reading about breast feeding, because I’ve definitely had my challenges.

So please, continue to let new moms know that breastfeeding is absolutely amazing. That is unbelievably the best thing for a baby. Share with them tips and support. But stop making the non-breastfeeders feel like failures.

I did not fail my three babies.

I DID NOT fail my three babies.

I am not a bad mom.

If you are pregnant or are a new mom, I encourage you to breastfeed. Try. Talk to lactation consultants. Not just one. Ask a friend. But ultimately, do what is best for you and your baby.

You are not a failure. You did not fail your baby! You are not a bad mom!

If some pumpers sound vaguely defensive, it’s because they’re tired of explaining their choice. Women who have only nursed their children can have a hard time understanding exclusive pumping, which many see as an overly mechanized chore to achieve a natural end. Others, including husbands and relatives, urge these women to use formula rather than embark on a grueling pumping schedule. Even doctors may be less supportive of pumpers, who nevertheless feel they’re making a medically responsible choice.

Ah, breastfeeding and formula. It seems like forever since we’ve been able to talk about infant feeding without immediately getting sidetracked into the explosive meta discussion about how we should talk about it, or, more often, how we shouldn’t.

The ability to discern between truth-telling and guilt-tripping seems to get a little hazy to all involved sometimes. In the interest of lancing the boil I present the following cheatsheet on how not to become a breastfeeding Nazi—and how not to see them where they are not.

The whole breastfeeding “debate,” such as it is, is a tempest in a sippy cup. Arguing about which scientific studies prove what — even if one side someday clearly “wins” — is an academic exercise, utterly divorced from women’s real, everyday experience. Because we don’t read the Journal of the American Medical Association to decide whether, or how long, to breast-feed. We consider our bodies: Are we physically able to nurse in the first place? Or are we plagued, as I was with my first child, by plugged ducts and serious mastitis? We consider the child: Did we, luck of the draw, get one who just says no to latching? We consider our workplace: How long is our maternity leave? Where can we pump when we go back?

New mothers are told again and again that breast milk is the healthiest food for babies. But not all mothers are able to nurse.

Some of them have discovered they can still give their babies the benefits of breast milk by feeding them milk donated by other moms. And they’re finding those moms on Facebook. The federal government thinks that’s a bad idea, but that’s not stopping the milk-sharing.

“So many devoted moms think that no matter what they do for their children, it’s not enough — and our culture plays into that insecurity,” says Susan Douglas, Ph.D., coauthor of The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women. But you can end the self-flagellation. Here, the top reasons that new moms feel guilty, and what you can do to get beyond it.

In this video, Summer talks about her feeding choices for both of her children.

Oh man. My favorite topic. I love to talk about breastfeeding. I mean, you know, just as much as I loved doing it. Which was not at all. And before the Le Leche League comes after me, I should say that I really did give it a fair shot. But, Taylor. Oh, sweet Taylor…. he just had this intense latch. (Come to think of it, he has an intense everything!) And my breastfeeding parts couldn’t seem to handle it. Actually, it might be better for me to explain this in person…

In the end, it’s not about how a baby is fed. It’s about how a baby is loved.